One of my dreams when I first started writing music was that one day i'd be able to write a pop song if I felt like it. I've been trying for a long time without much success. Here's the latest attempt in demo form:

http://www.kvr-vst.com/~tristezaorange/demo.mp3

It's only a verse - what I plan is for another verse with the same melody but with different lyrics after the picollo break. I understand that it should probably have a chorus too for it to be called a 'pop song' but this is mostly an exercise in getting more familiar with the art of writing songs, so I'll be happy if I can complete it as intended. What i need is your advice and help:

Firstly, do you think it's any good?? Do you find the picollo break irritating? [i love it, but my cousin thinks it sucks] I know about the singing and the background noise, so I was hoping for someone willing to sing on this - anyone want to do it? The backing track won't take long for me to finish because it'll just be a repeat of the first part with some extra instrumentation. And does anyone think he/she could add some understated guitar on this??

Please let me know if anyone can help and if you like it, I'll be really proud if I can finish this one cos I like the melody and it'll be my first [almost] proper pop song.

BTW here are the lyrics for the first verse sung:



Slow down

Tell me

How far can I see

When I know that it's hard

To fill the day

hey tris,

to your original question, "am I totally hopeless?":

YES!, haha

the question if this is a popsong..

hell, no!

..but I once again like it because I don´t listen to it like..oh, this is too loud, or..this part is crap, or, maan, this dude sings wrong...

you have a strangely nice approach that I can´t explain how it gets me but it gets me..(I´m shure we non-native englishspeakos understand each other, blabla!)

Moritz Morpheus MkIII wrote:

hey tris, to your original question, "am I totally hopeless?": YES!, haha the question if this is a popsong.. hell, no! ..but I once again like it because I don´t listen to it like..oh, this is too loud, or..this part is crap, or, maan, this dude sings wrong... you have a strangely nice approach that I can´t explain how it gets me but it gets me..(I´m shure we non-native englishspeakos understand each other, blabla!)

MORITZEY!! Long time, no see. [ it's my fault, of course - I just want to say 'GLAD TO SEE YOU AGAIN' ]

Not a pop song. Damn! If you look at it in an analytical way, this is probably the Plan 9 From Outer Space of pop songs. It's nice to know that you feel something when listening to it, though. I totally understand what you mean.

Yo yoo Trist

More drums to pop it up... maybe take a listen to some other(commercial) pop to get some inspiration...

this is a good start but only 1 min? u need at least 3:50min

ill take a second listen tomorrow and see if i can come up with some thoughts
gotta get my bed done now... Zzzzz

Triptocoma wrote:

Yo yoo Trist More drums to pop it up... maybe take a listen to some other(commercial) pop to get some inspiration... this is a good start but only 1 min? u need at least 3:50min ill take a second listen tomorrow and see if i can come up with some thoughts gotta get my bed done now... Zzzzz

Yo Coma.

Yeah, more drums would be a good start I think. I am listening hard to commercial pop at the moment [Prefab Sprout, Talk Talk, Saint Etienne etc.] but I can't get the hang of it. Maybe some people just can't do it.

I was planning for 2-2,5 minutes long cos I don't think I'll be able to write a chorus, or a bridge or a middle eight. Or anything. I need help on this pop stuff.

If you have any ideas, you can share them with me!

'Night!!

Sing up there lad, no mumbling orange boy!

For a chorus , I thought of summat like; G, Aminor, F, Eminor, F, Aminor, G, G.

Simple is best - honest. Rearrange the chords randomly, call it a middle 8 - sorted!

donkey tugger wrote:

Sing up there lad, no mumbling orange boy! For a chorus , I thought of summat like; G, Aminor, F, Eminor, F, Aminor, G, G. Simple is best - honest. Rearrange the chords randomly, call it a middle 8 - sorted!

Hehe, I'll try but I think mumbling is the best I can do Donks! I'll try that chorus idea.

BTW Donks, as I have already mentioned, I have been listening to Talk Talk lately and Mark Hollis's voice reminds me a lot of your singing. Influenced, are we?

TristezaOrange wrote:

BTW Donks, as I have already mentioned, I have been listening to Talk Talk lately and Mark Hollis's voice reminds me a lot of your singing. Influenced, are we?

Nah, that bastard's been ripping me off for years. He probably just smokes too much too.