Pray - New song from Poppi - Piano, vocals, drums

[RichLum]

Hey all,

just finished a new song and uploaded it HERE

any feedback is muchly appreciated

thanks,
Rich

[danielmm]

Hi,
Couple of things...the vocals sound to me as though you are singing a hymn....not sure if thats what you are going for but that's how you have stylized it.(a little too churchy for me not really my style) The melody of the piano is mirroring the melody in the vocal track through much of the song and becomes a little repetitive by the end of it. Some counter melody or some creative chording I think would help make the song a little more interesting. Also, intonation in your voice could build in the song a little bit more.(start softer and end strongly)

My preference for lyrics is to avoid cliches at all cost. If you have heard it in more than one song, it's cliche as far as I'm concerned. ie: (I dream of you. I've lost control.etc.etc.) Google "I dream of you lyrics" and you will get my point.
Here is the first verse in the John Mayer song "Daughters":
I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
But she's just like a maze
Where all of the walls continually change
And I've done all I can
To stand on the steps with my heart in my hands
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe its got nothing to do with me
Now in my opinion John Mayer is one of the best pop song writers of our time but what he is saying is, "I dream of you" (in a round-a-bout way) from the heart in his own way. That's the kind of thing I look for in a song.

Each song needs a personalized message from the writer I think and although you may have a motive for writing the things you did in that manner, it doesn't really give the listener any empathy for you because it sounds vaguely familiar somehow.(like we've heard that story before)

I am always glad to see someone finish a song all the way through and I think you can be happy with that but I think if you dig really deep and try and forget the "typical" lines in a song you will have something much more interesting for the listener to enjoy. I certainly don't want to disrespect you in any way..that's not my intention but what I found really helpful particularily for a pop music is to attend a song writer class and/or a creative writing class.
Again, take this as constructive and I hope supportive feedback.

Cheers,
dano

[danielmm]

Hi,
Couple of things...the vocals sound to me as though you are singing a hymn....not sure if thats what you are going for but that's how you have stylized it.(a little too churchy for me not really my style) The melody of the piano is mirroring the melody in the vocal track through much of the song and becomes a little repetitive by the end of it. Some counter melody or some creative chording I think would help make the song a little more interesting. Also, intonation in your voice could build in the song a little bit more.(start softer and end strongly)

My preference for lyrics is to avoid cliches at all cost. If you have heard it in more than one song, it's cliche as far as I'm concerned. ie: (I dream of you. I've lost control.etc.etc.) Google "I dream of you lyrics" and you will get my point.
Here is the first verse in the John Mayer song "Daughters":
I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
But she's just like a maze
Where all of the walls continually change
And I've done all I can
To stand on the steps with my heart in my hands
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe its got nothing to do with me
Now in my opinion John Mayer is one of the best pop song writers of our time but what he is saying is, "I dream of you" (in a round-a-bout way) from the heart in his own way. That's the kind of thing I look for in a song.

Each song needs a personalized message from the writer I think and although you may have a motive for writing the things you did in that manner, it doesn't really give the listener any empathy for you because it sounds vaguely familiar somehow.(like we've heard that story before)

I am always glad to see someone finish a song all the way through and I think you can be happy with that but I think if you dig really deep and try and forget the "typical" lines in a song you will have something much more interesting for the listener to enjoy. I certainly don't want to disrespect you in any way..that's not my intention but what I found really helpful particularily for a pop music is to attend a song writer class and/or a creative writing class.
Again, take this as constructive and I hope supportive feedback.

Cheers,
dano

no comments on my long winded reply???
dano

[RichLum]

Hi dano,

thanks for the feedback.
It is good to get honest and constructive feedback.

I had a busy weekend so haven't had a chance to reply til now that I'm back at work on Monday morning.

Not too sure why it sounds churchy or hymn like... I don't quite get that... I haven't been to church for about 20 years either so maybe that's why I'm not making the connection.

I agree that the vocal melody mirrors the piano too much.
This is the first song we have written using piano and I came up with the music first and then Anita wrote the lyrics to the music.
Maybe next time we try putting music to lyrics or writing a vocal melody before the lyrics so the lyrics.

I tried to build the vocals up as the song went, but maybe should have brought it back even more in the beginning...

I didn't think the lyrics were all that cliched... but this is something we always struggle with... how to tell a story or paint a picture without being too literal.
We try to not be too obvious and literal with the lyrics but be a bit ambiguous and leave some up to the listeners interpretation, and hopefully the more tehy can read into the lyrics the more they can relate them to a point of reference for themself personally.

Thanks again for the feedback. It all helps in the learning process and hopefully will result in better written songs in the future.

Rich