Feeling disgusted with myself musically

[Jerry Bears]

I've been feeling a bit upset with my musical situation lately. I'm now 31 and feel like I'm playing whack-a-mole with my musical progress. I started guitar a few times in my life, but never committed myself to actually learning much the first couple times and assumed I wasn't very capable. Then I got heavily in to EDM a couple years ago and having taken a bit of percussion as a kid figured I had a handle on rhythm, and developed a desire to learn to make trance music.

In learning production and sound design I got tired of using the mouse to interface with effects and softsynths and felt like I wanted a tactile experience, so I put together an outboard studio with some synths, effects, and a mixer. Somewhere in all of that realized I didn't know how to actually play the keys for synths, so I enrolled in piano lessons, and bought a piano. My thought process at the time wasn't so much that I wanted to be a great pianist, but I do enjoy the "feel of the keys". This was the first time I felt some confidence in myself with an instrument and noticed I had the ability to gain some technical facility, and wanted to learn my way around the keyboard so I could "understand music" I guess.

So I find myself in a home studio, and a couple years in to this realize that, I'm not actually working on any material, and whenever I sit down to design sounds or work on a track, it feels like I'm beating my head against the wall and pulling teeth to be "musical" with it at all.

Recently I had a fairly bad injury that put me in to a tight spot. It kept me down and out for awhile and gave me some time to think. The first thing that went were the piano lessons. Even though I enjoy the feel of playing piano I felt like I was missing something and not getting enough out of the lessons, and to this day struggle to "feel" very musical and free at the piano.

So some time a few months ago I had a wild hair and decided that since I never had a decent guitar to practice on, maybe that was frustrating the experience, and so I did a ton of research and bought a guitar that feels good to me. Maybe it's the idea of finishing what I first started musically. Maybe it's the idea of a guitar being portable instrument with less hidden costs than piano (like tuning.) Maybe it's the fact I'm still paying for the piano and other gear I have and the guitar was actually affordable. But I've been absolutely obsessed with learning every thing I can about guitar, and becoming as good a player as possible, every day since I picked it up again. It's all I can think about musically. Playing feels good, intuitive, musical.

This passion isn't such a bad thing except for the fact it highlights my annoyance with myself over everything else. With all this other gear I've collected I realized I could spend the rest of my life with just a guitar and a couple pedals and never explore all the sonic territory. Messing with synths, piano and much else now all feels superflous and like it's taking away from guitar. I respect a lot of sounds that originally got me in to EDM and synths, but I feel like I have too much to focus on. I feel like I don't really have time to master everything and in a way I want to reboot and just focus purely on guitar, but I feel like I'd be hard on myself over the possiblity I'd want to use some piece of gear in 10 years. Plus where does one draw the line. Keep all the gear/keep just the desk+fx/get rid of it all? I've learned a good bit about production and could probably mix a project if I had it in front of me on the desk. But, from a musical sense all I want to do is find some people to jam with anymore... though I feel very hard on myself as I'm basically back where I started.

Not sure what kind of advice I'm expecting but I figured fellow musicians might have some thoughts.

[highkoo]

Its a journey.

[Sendy]

It's a common problem to approach music from the top down - starting with gear, sounds, presets and so fourth, and forgetting that all of this stuff has to have a basis on which to float. Get some gear, arrange some presets, get a snazzy logo for your productions so you know it's "proper" and boom, they're good to go... only they have nothing to say and don't even realize that music is there for expression, not just to endlessly consume and create "more stuff".

(not that I'm wishing to accuse you or anyone in particular of this mindset - just be aware it's out there, "at large", and it can colour your thinking)

I'd say, start off finding out what you want to do. Why you like music, what you like about it particularly, what sort of "voice" you want to have, what do you want to say, etc. I used to hear designers talk about "blue sky thinking" and think it was a daft concept, but now I honestly believe it's ALL about the blue sky thinking. Forgetting everything you've learned, all the dogma, the social crap, the power struggles, just you and the sounds - what would you do? Craft an identity in the abstract, then build on top of it concretely.

I've devoted about 20 years of my life to music, and while I've had standout tracks in the past that were much better than the base-line of quality, only recently do I really feel it's come together and I've found myself achieving "what I want to do" in the world of music, to the point that criticism just bolsters and refines what I'm doing, rather than toppling the entire tower. So be patient and give the music space to show you what it wants

[fluffy_little_something]

I'm afraid not everyone who wants to make good music has what it takes, me included At least you are still young, so plenty of time to find out what you like and are good at.
Since that computer stuff is all I have, I have to use the Midi keyboard. However, I know I am not a keyboard type, it just does not feel right to me somehow. I think I would be much happier playing the drums or something physical like that. Nor do I remember music theory, I just play what sounds nice to my ears. But that trial and error approach takes much more time.

[Bronto Scorpio]

Exactly what Sendy said.

It helps to stop thinking "I have all this gear, what can I do with it?" and to think more like "I have this idea, how can I use my gear to realize it?".

Cheers
Dennis

[fluffy_little_something]

PS: Maybe you need to join a band. Making music all alone is more difficult as there is no input, it has to come all from you, which might simply not happen.

[nasenmann]

2 options, from my experience: leave it be for now, or force yourself to make stuff. No matter if you don't like the results.

On the positive side, you're curious and have dabbled in different things. On the negative, you seem to lack dedication. This is most often an insecurity issue, i believe. Gotta be courageous enough to keep at something for a while without expecting much back.
Have faith, and you'll be rewarded eventually. Believe me, i'm saying that to myself more than anything

Even getting myself to the point where i want to work on a new tune is a battle, almost every time. I know how much fun it can be, and yet i always seem to forget about it when i'm done with something.

[Doug1978]

In addition to the advice offered above, particularly by Sendy, I would seriously consider selling some of the gear you have if you've not used it much in the past few months.
(Some of your gear might even be worth more than it was when you bought it, particularly in the case of hardware vintage synths etc).

Then either keep the money as a financial safety net, or spend it on something that also gives you pleasure in life (for example a nice holiday abroad or a new car), as a balance to spending time beating yourself up about music creation.

Cheers.

[DJ Warmonger]

I can't see how you want to make music but don't be inspired at same time. Every time I sit down to music, I have a good idead of what I'm going to do. Inspiration comes and goes, but well, it's same for everyone.
If you want to make some music and know WHAT to make, just make it. If you don't feel inspired, just give it up. It couldn't be any simpler.

[Touch The Universe]

I just have a problem finishing tracks, I have seriously 50 tracks that sound good, some really good imo, but can never seem to finish any of them??

[Doug1978]

^^ work out 25 cunning transitions and then just paste two of your tracks together each time.

Simple!

[thecontrolcentre]

@OP my advice would be pick an instrument ... guitar, keyboard, whatever and concentrate on learning to play it to a reasonable standard. The rest will follow ...

They say it takes 10,000 to learn any skill properly hours. Put the time in.

[Sendy]

I just have a problem finishing tracks, I have seriously 50 tracks that sound good, some really good imo, but can never seem to finish any of them??

I often abandon stuff when it's almost finished. Sometimes that last 5% is just too much to bear after I've been working on something for a month on and off. Those ones are usually fun to come back to and finish later with fresh ears.

[arkmabat]

stealing a popular chord progression or bassline and then writing an original melody on top of that helps me sometimes

[nasenmann]

I can't see how you want to make music but don't be inspired at same time. Every time I sit down to music, I have a good idead of what I'm going to do. Inspiration comes and goes, but well, it's same for everyone.
If you want to make some music and know WHAT to make, just make it. If you don't feel inspired, just give it up. It couldn't be any simpler.

I understand the reasoning, and for someone who works like that, in both meanings of the word "work", it's simply right. Good for you if it works for you, that's ideal!

As a universal judgement of right or wrong ways to do it, it is simply WRONG.
Some of my best tracks came out of zero inspiration, frustration, noodling around pointlessly. After one or even a couple hours, something just happened, and bam!, great idea on the table waiting to be finished.
Why did i go through the agony of that?
BECAUSE i feel like that 95% of the time when sitting down and opening the sequencer. It's just something i had to accept. It doesn't tell me anything about how i might feel an hour later...completely ecstatic about having something unique sounding that wants to be developed.

You extrapolate from yourself too readily mate.