New moody track -- looking for advice and feedback

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Rajiv
KVRist
76 posts since 1 Sep, 2006

Post Fri Jul 13, 2018 12:17 pm

Hello KVR -- I set out to write and record a song conveys an emotion. It is inspired by my neighbor, an elderly woman who passed away a couple of years ago. And for a couple of years before that, she was confused, disoriented and largely bedridden. I imagined what would go through her mind in her moments of lucidity (if there were any), and I came up with the attached. I'm aiming for melancholic, but not depressing; a sense of loneliness, confusion, and a wish to relive times long gone.

What I would really like to know is how successful the track is in conveying this mood. Are there things with the mix, the lyrics, the sounds, anything else that would help bring the point home? What works and what doesn't?

The genre is somewhere between pop and rock. It's six minutes and 30 seconds long.

Thanks for taking the time to listen and give me feedback.

https://soundcloud.com/nitok/carly

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wagtunes
KVRAF
14013 posts since 8 Oct, 2014

Re: New moody track -- looking for advice and feedback

Post Fri Jul 13, 2018 12:46 pm

My Feedback

Music - 10
Instruments - 9
Performance - 10
Mix - 8

Overall - 9.25

Comments: OMG, this is so 70s. Reminds me of the obscure art rock groups that kind of bordered on pop. I'm picturing 1974 right about now. Trying to be objective (cause I really love this stuff) the structure seems to wander a bit. I'm not getting a strong verse chorus vibe but then again, so much of the stuff back then was all over the place so it fits right in. But it is kind of hard to follow on a structure level. At the same time, I'm not sure I want to mess with this. Some things are just meant to be what they are. The mix, on the other hand, could probably be a bit louder. I had to turn up my level quite a bit. Anyway, I'm in heaven right now. Oh, as to your questions, no clue. Just enjoying this for what it is.

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Bansaw
KVRist
393 posts since 19 Aug, 2008

Re: New moody track -- looking for advice and feedback

Post Fri Jul 13, 2018 3:18 pm

Absolutely love this. I think it does convey what you're trying to convey in terms of emotion.
I think @ 3:25 the song comes alive, perhaps it could come alive sooner?
Top, top guitar solo, - a little more delay and reverb and it will be Pink Floydesque, ... great job well done.

fastlanephil
KVRian
641 posts since 3 Jan, 2016

Re: New moody track -- looking for advice and feedback

Post Fri Jul 13, 2018 10:19 pm

Musically it was well done. It was a little depressing as far as the words go although I understand what you wanted to do and your heart was in the right place. Getting old and slowly loosing your mind or dying from some other illness is up ahead for everyone. So maybe it’s best to not think about it too much and just keep on dancing, break out the booze as Peggy Lee once sang.

ghettosynth
KVRAF
11432 posts since 13 Oct, 2009

Re: New moody track -- looking for advice and feedback

Post Fri Jul 13, 2018 10:28 pm

Just some advice, if you want to know if a piece conveys something, you don't want to bias people by telling them what it is that you think that it conveys; let them tell you.

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J. Smith
KVRist
30 posts since 2 Jul, 2014 from Finland

Re: New moody track -- looking for advice and feedback

Post Sat Jul 14, 2018 2:32 pm

Gotta agree with ghettosynth. As much as I myself always want to tell people what my music tells about, I need to learn away from that. But the piece was really nice, very musical and melancholic. The arrangement could be a bit more logical/clearer (something something verse-chorus).

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Frantz
KVRAF
4863 posts since 18 Jul, 2008 from New York

Re: New moody track -- looking for advice and feedback

Post Sat Jul 14, 2018 6:09 pm

The vocals are good. The voice reminds me of They Might Be Giants. I am sure the lyrics are sincere but they didn't connect with me for some reason. Wasn't crazy about all those endless arpeggios. The second half -- rock guitar god soloing -- was well done but seemed completely disconnected from the first half.

There is plenty of talent on display here but I don't think this quite the right format for you.

Rajiv
KVRist
76 posts since 1 Sep, 2006

Re: New moody track -- looking for advice and feedback

Post Sun Jul 15, 2018 7:52 am

Hi -- thanks for all the feedback, both positive and constructive. I appreciate that all of you took some time to listen and let me know what you thought. It's very helpful feedback.

Funny that a couple of folks mentioned 1970s and Pink Floyd. The song is inspired by the structure of Pink Floyd's Comfortably Numb, since that song so effectively conveys a mood. I appreciate the feedback re: the song structure. I've listened to this so many times as I've been working on it that I have lost all perspective. It seems that I tend to write chorus-less music for some reason -- that will be remedied on the next one.
ghettosynth wrote:Just some advice, if you want to know if a piece conveys something, you don't want to bias people by telling them what it is that you think that it conveys; let them tell you.
I debated this before posting. In the end, I thought people were more likely to answer a true/false question than an essay question. Next time, I'll try it this way.

Anyways, I am really grateful for your responses. Thank you so much. If anyone else has any feedback - the thread is still open!

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