what else do you guys do?

[trimph1]

I've been trying to decide what to post here. I didn't know how personal I wanted to get.

38, female, divorced with a fiance.

Up until about six years ago, I wanted nothing more than to be dead. I attempted several times with overdosing on insulin, but always something prevented my actual death.

I have severe clinical depression, and have for most of my life. Anxiety has piled itself on in recent years, and now I'm stuck on psych meds that I'd really rather not be on, but when I stop taking them, I try to kill myself again, so it's best I stay on them.

I've never really been good at making friends in real life. Online I have a few, but I've only really ever had three close friends. I was married to one of them, I wanted to marry another (which is also the reason we're not friends anymore), and I'm going to marry the third. I suppose it's good that when I've been married it's been to my best friend.

I had a happy marriage for the most part, but it all fell apart at the end.

I don't have any children, and I don't want any. I don't trust myself to be responsible enough for children, not to mention that they cost too much money, and I feel I have nothing to offer them, anyway.

I've worked in customer service, service, housekeeping, and the movie biz as a spark.

I've attended school at several of the colleges around the Twin Cities. I started going to school to become an architect, then a mechanical engineer (I love working out how things work, mechanically), film, and 3d animation.

I don't have any degrees.

My life completely fell apart in late 2002, and I haven't had a job since late 2001/early 2002.

I found my soul mate in 2006 when Mark contacted me online. We're almost a mirror image of each other interests-wise, other than me hating sports when we met, but now I'm a Patriots, Wild, and Twins fan (although he likes the Red Sox). I took a chance in meeting him in person and traveled from Minnesota to Alabama by myself (by plane) and stayed with him for a week. He didn't harvest my kidneys, so I was happy about that.

He moved here in June of 2006, and we bought a house together (with my parents' help) in 2009.

We have a cat, Kaylee, and a Border Collie/Siberian Husky mix puppy. Kaylee is 2 years old this month, and puppy will be 15 years old in August (if she makes it that far ).

I used to play bass in high school and just after, but I gave it up when if I played for an hour it hurt for a week.

In 2009 when I decided to get back into music it nearly split Mark and I up. I spent way too much money on ACID Pro 7 and a Keystation 88es. He wasn't happy.

I've only recently written my first, second, and third compositions ever. I like them, but I know I can do so much more.

I have too many hobbies that I don't spend enough time on, so I'm only marginal, skills-wise, at any of them.

If you think that's a lot, there's so much more that I think I'll keep to myself for now.

[Vintage73]

Thanks. Not looking for sympathy, though. Just a little understanding of where I'm coming from.

[trimph1]

I know...

[michael2]

although I haven't been replying to this thread, I am finding it enormously fascinating. what a wondrous thing music is. some of us are wanting to be stars, some are just having a blast recording for the hell of it, and some are having personal problems and music is seemingly a big comfort to them.

[Jace-BeOS]

although I haven't been replying to this thread, I am finding it enormously fascinating. what a wondrous thing music is. some of us are wanting to be stars, some are just having a blast recording for the hell of it, and some are having personal problems and music is seemingly a big comfort to them.

Yes, music can indeed be a huge comfort (a focal point for meditation-like activity, for example). Or an excitation! Or a trigger for thought and emotion. Sometimes i enjoy certain music so much that it's almost overwhelming. I feel kind of like crying on some occasions. That's a pretty powerful impact on my existence.

I think a forum member here once said "without music, I woulda topped myself years ago." I think I've seen comments like that a few times, in fact. It's great that the advancement of technology has made music so much more accessible. Yeah, there's a lot of junk to sift through as a listener, but if making that music was life saving or life affirming for someone, I can't argue that the accessibility has been anything other than a good thing.

I'm just hoping I get back to the "making" part of music, rather than only ever the listening/talking about part

[kelvyn]

I just turned 60 two days ago and I'm still trying to get my head around that number

I tried not to let turning 60 bother me too much, but it has a way of creeping into the brain pan. What really shocked me was the sudden death of my best friend last Monday. He was 10 yrs. younger than me, and an accomplished singer/songwriter of country-western music. He also had a successful business as as a family and marriage counsellor. He was, for all intents, healthy, robust and had a positive outlook on life. He died in his sleep, which, I guess is the best way to go if you have to. We're all in shock here (especially his wife of 23 yrs.), and waiting on the autopsy report.
I've always been keenly aware of my mortality, but this brings it right to the forefront. I've always been "Woody Allen" about death, if you know what I mean. My wife claims to not be afraid of death at all, in fact she says she's comfortable knowing it is all part of the process of existence, and even looks forward to it. We're both agnostics, by the way. I know I'm in serious need of mental adjustment, but I'm the type of person who could never buy into any faith-based philosophy. So I'm doomed to searching endlessly for answers. So armed with my "papas little helper" the SSRI Lexipro, I'll keep on boogyin' down Broadway and makin' music.

I'm sorry it took me so long to reply (offline the last few days).

I'm very sorry to hear about the loss of your friend... Please accept my heartfelt commiserations on this tragic loss. It's heartbreaking to think that someone so young has left someone so young behind.
I think most of us here are in need of some kind of mental adjusting at some point in our lives:) Your wife seems to have a very positive take on mortality... can't be a bad thing.

[jacqueslacouth]

gone

[antto]

[boring_post]
26 year old (if my memory isn't playing me tricks) male, born and living in Bulgaria

since i was a child i always wanted to know how stuff works.. at the age of 6 maybe i asked my parents to buy me a "piano" it was actually a kid-synth Casio with 2 octaves.. from there it all started
well i never learned how to propperly "play" the keyboard..
i didn't like school, in 8th grade i had my first computer! then pretty soon found a music app (one with prerecorded loops, like tetris, probably Dance eJay's grandpa)
and soon after that i finaly got my hands on a full sequencer.. so that's how i made it thru to music

besides that, i am interested in many other areas (tho, i'm not "skilled" in non of them you could say..) of computers and not only
my most recent hobby is photography (since i have a camera now) .. others include 2d and 3d graphics, 3d modeling, pixel art, scripting, programming..

it seems i quite frequently "reinvent the wheel" becuase i experiment, and i rarely read what someone else has done, i just "think" about some odd things and figure some odd solutions ;P~
one example is.. somewhere in 2003 i "invented" stereoscopy (rendered 2 paralel views of a 3D scene, and placed the images in a cross-eyed setup and saw it, i was like omg omg omg)

i have a cat (5th cat in my life) ..have had a cat during all my life, i love cats..
also love to watch films about the big cats (on TV or so) and my favourite cats are Cheetahs and Pumas
and i also watch Discover/Science/NatGeo/etc.. as well as scientific stuff on youtube
i don't read books
[/boring_post]

[Vintage73]

I am an unashamed Trekky, love pretty much any genre of Sci Fi/Fantasy.

Me, too!

Actually, I'm so much so that I prefer the term, Trekker.

[rcat]

I'm very sorry to hear about the loss of your friend... Please accept my heartfelt commiserations on this tragic loss. It's heartbreaking to think that someone so young has left someone so young behind.
I think most of us here are in need of some kind of mental adjusting at some point in our lives:) Your wife seems to have a very positive take on mortality... can't be a bad thing.

Thank you kelvyn and also optofonik for your condolences. Part of the autopsy report came back yesterday. Most people have a heart that weighs somewhere between 225gms and 325gms, my friend's heart was 550gms! Gruesome, I know, but it tells a big part of the tale. We're still waiting for the toxicology report.
And yes, kelvyn, my wife is a rock. I guess 43 yrs. as a registered nurse will do that for a person. I'm just eternally grateful to have her by my side.

[rcat]

I have severe clinical depression, and have for most of my life. Anxiety has piled itself on in recent years, and now I'm stuck on psych meds that I'd really rather not be on, but when I stop taking them, I try to kill myself again, so it's best I stay on them.

You sound so similar to my stepdaughter, life story-wise and age-wise. She's severely bi-polar. Everyone on her biological fathers' side is also bi-polar. Luckily she's got a good job as a manager for a clothing boutique, and has got her condition more-or-less under control. However, we've seen how difficult it's been for her and worry about her constantly. I wish you all the luck and happiness in the world. You deserve it!

[Cap'n Spanky]

The few stories I have read so far are very touching. The honesty is refreshing. Just want to add a little cautionary reminder that the internet is not private.

[kritikon]

My Wife and I feel exactly the same way.
...about us having kids, not you. I mean, I'm sure you would be great parents if that's what you wanted but... ugh. I'll just put my foot in my mouth now.

I hate telling people this because they (especially family) always tell me that we're just naive or selfish. Well, that may be true...

I never ever understood that idea. I've had it said to me too. As far as I'm concerned there's nothing more selfish than having children. Not saying people shouldn't have kids, but many fool themselves afterwards that they're doing something altruistic. Which is crap - they had kids for their own personal reasons that made their own lives better or more fulfilled or whatever. They didn't have kids for their kids' sake, they had them for their own sake. Of course once they've had them most decent parents put their kids before themselves (which is altruistic), but that has nothing to do with why they had them in the first place. And nothing peeves me more than parents telling me I'm lucky to have money to spend on myself and wife - i.e. we go to restaurants regularly, we go on holidays regularly etc. We can do that exactly because we chose not to have kids. They chose to have them, so they have nobody but themselves to blame for having less money.

Parents will say they were altruistic having kids, as it's all about their kids. My response is that we're being altruistic as we can spend time and effort on our marriage and on each other.

Neither is right or wrong, but no way is deciding not to have kids selfish. (Although that almost sounds like a triple negative to me...)

[michael2]

I never ever understood that idea. I've had it said to me too. As far as I'm concerned there's nothing more selfish than having children. Not saying people shouldn't have kids, but many fool themselves afterwards that they're doing something altruistic. Which is crap - they had kids for their own personal reasons that made their own lives better or more fulfilled or whatever. They didn't have kids for their kids' sake, they had them for their own sake. Of course once they've had them most decent parents put their kids before themselves (which is altruistic), but that has nothing to do with why they had them in the first place. And nothing peeves me more than parents telling me I'm lucky to have money to spend on myself and wife - i.e. we go to restaurants regularly, we go on holidays regularly etc. We can do that exactly because we chose not to have kids. They chose to have them, so they have nobody but themselves to blame for having less money.

Parents will say they were altruistic having kids, as it's all about their kids. My response is that we're being altruistic as we can spend time and effort on our marriage and on each other.

Neither is right or wrong, but no way is deciding not to have kids selfish. (Although that almost sounds like a triple negative to me...)

you know, I have 2 kids and you are exactly right. i wouldn't trade them for the world, but the only one who benefits from them at this point is my wife and I. although, my daughter is super smart, so there is a good chance she'll save all your asses one day with an affordable cure for global warming.

[hibidy]

Not savin' my ass

I'm gettin' off this rock!