It's Time for NAMM! Here's What to Do:

[Mike Greene]

When Andy Williams sang "The Most Wonderful Time of the Year," I'm convinced it was NAMM he was talking about. What's not to love? The shiny instruments, seeing old friends, the noise, even the quest to spot the last remaining dudes still wearing spandex makes for a truly memorable experience.

You're coming too, right? Great! But what's that you're saying? This is your first year coming to the show. Well, don't you worry, buckeroo, because your good pal Mike is gonna tell you how the smart guys do it. The first thing you gotta do is head on over to:

The Realitone Booth - Here's where the dashingly handsome Mike Greene will be showing Realivox which is a vocal sample library for the Kontakt Player. (Hint: Head on over to the site this week to enter to win a free copy!) But that's not all! This is supposed to be a secret, but they'll also be showing a couple libraries for Stylus RMX. *Playable* libraries. They released Acoustic Kits a couple years ago, and this year they're debuting Guitars. But it's a secret, so that's all I can say right now.

So get your sexy self on over to Booth 6624 in Hall A. Don't forget to snag a brownie while you're there.

Don't Be a Loser. Bring a Bike! - I say this every year, yet nobody ever listens to me. Bring a bike. I'm serious. Parking is a nightmare, but with a bike you can just ride, all superior like, right to any of the front doors of the Convention Center. Be sure to smile and wave at all the loser pedestrians you pass by who have to walk a half mile (that's no exaggeration) from their parking space.

But that's not the only benefit of bringing a bike. When you lock your bike to a tree or pole (Anaheim Convention Center stupidly got rid of the bike racks. I guess because no one besides me used them) you can also run your chain through the handles of a bag, which you can fill with extra water or whatever other heavy stuff you don't feel like schlepping through the Convention Center halls. Cool, huh? Before I had a booth, I did this for years and never had anything stolen. Heck, I even put software purchases in the bag and left them at the bike. No problemo.

Let's Synchronize Our Watches - The NAMM show is from 10:00 to 6:00, but smart people come at 9:30, which is when Hall E opens. That's the downstairs Hall on the south end and it's where new companies have to start. Even someone as amazing as me had to start in Hall E. (Hard to believe, right?) While the main halls (NAMM is enormous, by the way) have all the companies you know, as well as a ton that you don't, Hall E can be where some of the real innovation is happening. I highly recommend it, especially as a start to the day.

Hey Mike, I'm Thirsty! - They do have drinking fountains, but they're few and far between. So you have to buy bottled water. At like three or four bucks a pop! So bring a a water bottle with you. Heck, bring a few and store the extras at your bike. Forget to bring a water bottle? Or worse, forget to bring a bike??? Well, then get yourself back to the Realitone booth. Seriously, I bring a couple cases for this very purpose. Don't be shy. Take another brownie while you're there.

Hey! Where Are the Spandex Guys??? - One of the fun things about coming to NAMM was seeing the last remaining specimens of that American treasure: Spandex Dude. These guys single handedly kept Aquanet in business. And they didn't give up the fashion without a fight. With NAMM being the one place they felt truly free to wear their spandex proudly. (Or cluelessly, depending on your perspective.)

But sadly, they're almost impossible to find anymore. They've been replaced by these sloppy guys wearing all black with lots of chains connecting their pants with . . . with . . . well, i guess usually with the other side of their pants. Or their wallets. You know, because they're so loaded with money and all.

Anyway, these guys invariable bring their girlfriends with them. Personally, the last person I want with me at NAMM is my wife, but I guess these guys figure this counts as a fancy "date." So there they are, girlfriends in tow.

Now, these girlfriends, thinking this is a "music industry event," dress to the nines. Ultra tight outfits and ultra high heels. You know, so they can impress all the rock stars and celebrities who surely must be in attendance. I imagine their surprise when they discover our idea of "celebrity" is Rupert Neve. There's something very sad about seeing these oh so bored girls who realize much too late that maybe spike heels weren't the smartest thing to wear to a trade show. And maybe dating this bozo in black wasn't the smartest idea either.

Which is why I always give them a wink when they walk by. Hey, gotta let a girl dream, right? Although this might explain why I sell so few copies of Realivox to guys with chains on their black jeans.

Oh, That Reminds Me - One nice thing about NAMM is that there are a whole bunch of guys with even less class than you. These same dudes in black, for instance, waiting in long, long lines for an autograph from some wrinkled 80's guitar hero or porn star who one of the companies paid to be at their booth. That's why I always invite my wife on Saturday. After a few hours wandering the halls, she suddenly realizes maybe her husband ain't so bad after all.

You're Gonna Eat THAT??? Do you like your hamburgers dry and warmed over from being cooked an hour earlier? And do you like to stand, not sit, while you eat it? Then join the bozos who eat at the concession places inside the Convention Center because that's what they've got. Meanwhile, us cool kids are gonna hop on our . . . wait for it . . . bikes(!) and go to the corner of Harbor and Katella and eat at this pizza place cleverly named, "Pizza." (No one has ever accused Anaheim of being sophisticated.) The pizza there is surprisingly good, plus they have salads and stuff. And you can sit down! Everybody there is wearing NAMM badges. It's not a very well kept secret.

In the same strip mall (calm down fellas. Not that kind of "strip") is a Subway, Panda Express and frozen yogurt place. (I think it's called, "Yogurt." Yep, we're not in West Hollywood anymore, Toto.) Even if you don't have a bike, it's only about 1/4 mile from the Convention Center and worth the walk.

Douche McBag - Last year I had an extra NAMM badge. Sure, I could have given it to one of the dozen or so people who were nagging me for one. But I guess I'm kind of a jerk (yeah, I know what you're thinking: "kind of???") because I kept it for myself as a second badge. Except this one had the name Douche McBag. You know, because I'm still in junior high. That's the badge I'd wear as I walked the floor. Don't believe me? Well, I forgot to take it off when I came back to my booth Friday evening and up walks Craig Anderton who wants to shoot of video, You can see the damning evidence here:


Not only is that evidence of my douchery, but it's also evidence of how tired I was. That's gotta be the worst demo I've ever done. Here's a better one, although with no NAMM badge:


My Eyes Are Up Here, Buddy - Speaking of NAMM badges, everybody wears them around their neck. So they hang, oh, about chest high. Which means if a woman is wearing one, then read the name as quickly as possible and get off it. If she has an unusual name you can't figure out, give it maybe a couple seconds and move on. Just sayin'.

Hey Sailor, Is That a Pack of Certs In Your Pocket? - Amazingly, you'll also see a lot of guys lined up for autographs from Playboy Bunnies or Porn Stars. Why anyone would want an autograph from a porn star, I don't know, but upstart guitar string companies have figured out this is a quick way to make their booth look like a happening place. And this is the one time where it's okay to spend a little extra time reading her NAMM badge.

Ahoy, Matey! - The Convention Center is across the street from Disneyland. I mean literally across the street. So most of the hotels in the area have a decidedly kid-friendly theme. Which means grown-up places like the Marriott and Hilton can charge ultra high rates. You see, people are willing to pay extra just so they don't have to tell people they're staying in a place called, "The Jolly Roger." Which is where I stay. No joke.

The Jolly Roger is ultra-close to the Convention Center, though, so I endure the humiliation. As well as enduring a quality of room that only a tourist from West Virginia with 3 screaming kids would put up with. They actually have some rooms with bunk beds! Which I guess is another benefit, because my wife can be confident I won't be bringing any girls there.

Are These Yours, Miss? - Speaking of bringing girls to your room, a couple years ago I didn't log on soon enough to the special NAMM Hotel site to get the Jolly Roger. (You have to do it literally within a couple hours of when they open the bookings for NAMM.) So I stayed at the Motel 6, which is actually pretty good, by Motel 6 standards. Plus it's way cheaper than the Jolly Roger, unbelievable as that may sound. (Well over a hundred bucks a night. They see us coming and price accordingly.)

The downside of the Motel 6, aside from it being pretty far from the Convention Center, is that they have the dimmest light bulbs I've ever seen. There's nothing more depressing than a room lit with dim flourescents. Hint - If you stay at the Motel 6, bring your own lightbulbs. You'll thank me.

Anyway, I'm in my fancy schmancy Motel 6 room (which they made a point of telling me was remodeled, after I complained about the suicide lighting) and I discover some red high heels under the bed. Not regular high heels, mind you, these are like glittery red stripper heels. (Not that I'd know anything about that!) I brought them to the front desk as other guests suspiciously watched me try to explain to the girl behind the counter that they weren't mine.

I think the clerk might have been worried there was a dead stripper in my room. That's okay, though, because all I cared about was that my wife always comes on Saturday and I was glad I found the shoes before she did! To this day, I shudder when I imagine the 'splainin' I would have had to do.

Remo Drum Circle - If you come on Friday, Remo sponsors a drum circle on Friday at 5:00 outside Hall B. I know, it sounds like some hippie throwback thing, which I guess it is, but it's really cool, because it's huge and since everyone attending is musicians, the rhythms are tight. (As opposed to watching your sister in law and her loser friends at her 40th birthday party struggle with where the downbeat is.) It lasts a couple hours and I highly recommend it. If you pick up any girls, though, be advised that armpits might not be as well groomed as you're used to.

Sunday! Sunday! Sunday! - Sunday is typically the slowest day in terms of traffic, so if you hate crowds, come then. (Second slowest is Thursday. Busiest is Saturday.) Rumor has it that you can buy instruments from some of the booths at the end of Sunday, because some companies want to save shipping charges to China or other far away places. Technically you're not supposed to sell stuff there, but it happens all the time.

Great deals at the end of the show are small consolation, though, to the sad truth that the show is over. With a long 361 days until the next one. ~sigh~ I don't even want to think about it . . .

[hibidy]

I'm so glad I don't go

[mandolarian]

I'm so glad we have our own lean mean marketing machine, Mike Greene, live at NAMM so we don't have to. Thanks for the blow-by-bike, Mike!

Hilarious descriptions of what happens when two worlds collide at the corner of Art and Commerce. You got me psyched, Mike. Will you be offering daily KVR updates, at least until your wife arrives?

[hibidy]

Is there even one thing that is expected or anticipated this year? Please god, not another roland virtual accordion

[mandolarian]

Is there even one thing that is expected or anticipated this year? Please god, not another roland virtual accordion

Yes, it's a one word hint: Groundhog!

[lionscub68]

I'm so glad I don't go

[VitaminD]

Thanks, Mike. I read the entire story! You make a boring retailer/distributor convention sound like an interesting adventure!

Will you create one for Summer NAMM? I always wondered what the one in Nashville is like..

[hibidy]

Will you create one for Summer NAMM? I always wondered what the one in Nashville is like..

It's more like this:

[Mike Greene]

One thing about NAMM is that if you look at it as a "Blow my socks off with some new innovation every time I turn a corner," then it will indeed disappoint. (Although who knows what might debut this year.) To me, that's the wrong reason to go.

What I love about NAMM is that everything is there. I can talk to the Paul Reed Smith guys about guitars and they have them all there. Even Guitar Center Hollywood has less than 10, but at NAMM, there must be at least a hundred Paul Reed Smith guitars in their booth. Plus there are a whole bunch of upstart guitar makers with some absolutely beautiful instruments.

Or when I go to the brass section, there will be bunch of guys with some serious talent blowing the horns, checking them out. It's hard to explain, but it just makes me feel good to be a musician.

And at the Hilton and Marriottt Hotels, there's continuous music on four stages. These are really good bands, by the way.

[wrench45us]

I don't know, but to me this sounds like more potential for a great screenplay with NAMM as a background than any ComicCon or Consumer Electronics or even Adult Video convention.

my former industry's annual trade show was always at Anaheim, until somebody decided LA Convention Center would be better. Not. Attendance was down 1/3. Attendees preferred being next to Disneyland over being next to downtown LA. go figure.