Could you review my lyrics

[steffeeH]

Ignore this first post, I've made a new version further down in this thread.

I'm currently working on a track with a featured artist, and I'm writing the lyrics and laying out the melody.
Anyway, since my native langueage isn't english, I feel unsure if my lyrics gives the right info of the story in it, or is completely confusing.
So it would be great if those with good english could check it.

Here it is, and enjoy the corny vocalisings :
Been ta-king notes of you to-night,
You are the right one in my mind,
But I can't stop to think of
Huuuuuu-uuuuuuuhh
How you just waste your time
You drown your own life, that's your crime
I'm ta-king
Uuuuuuuuuh
I'm ta-king nooooootes
Nooooo-tes oooof y-ouuuu
Huuuuuuu-uuuuuuuu-aaaaa-aaaaaaa
Haaaaaaaa
Noooooooootes
Nooooootes ooooooof yoouuuu
Why won't you, why won't you, why won't you no-tice me
Why won't you, why won't you, why won't you no-tice me
Lay lay your, lay lay your, lay your hands on me
Why won't you notice me
(verse 2, haven't been written yet)
Been ta-king notes of you to-night,
You waste your time by fai-ling me
Been ta-king notes of you to-night,
You kill your time by avoiding me

I feel the main issue is the "taking notes"-thing.
The story behind is about person A checking out person B (let's say a girl and a boy), but the girl thinks the boy just wastes his time by not noticing her.
By "taking notes", I mean she is pretty much studying him and checking in how he reacts, especially to her being clearly interested in him.
Though technically it could also mean that she's taking notes = writing something down that he's saying, and of course that's not the story.
But how do people react to the lyrics? Do they believe there's a girl writing something down (which isn't the correct story), or do they get the right idea that a girl is checking out a boy?

Further on, do you have any other suggestions on the lyrics?

Thanks.

[morelia]

The first impression I got was that you (the lyricist) are stalking somebody.

[D.H. Miltz]

The first thing I'd fix is "taking notes of"--should be "taking notes on."

[kelvyn]

Do you really mean 'Taking notes'? Which would indicate that you are making a mental list of all the persons attributes, or do you mean 'Taking notice' ? Which would indicate that you have seen her/him and are checking her/him out.
I'm sorry to say this but the lyrics really need to be worked out more as you seem to not be conveying what you want to say coherently.

[Andywanders]

The first thing I'd fix is "taking notes of"--should be "taking notes on."

Yeah... Or "Taking note of you..."

Either way, "Taking notes of..." just doesn't sit right.

But then again, when it comes to song lyrics (and poetry for that matter), grammar rules can fly right out of the window, to be replaced with artistic license.

EG:

"I can't get no satisfaction" - the Stones

"Thunderbolt and lightning, very very frightening me.... Galileo..." - Queen

"Ain't no sunshine when she's gone" - Bill Withers

“When you cheated girl, my heart bleeded girl” - Justin Timberlake

“Everything she do just turns me on” - the Police

“Can you handle me the way I are?” - Timbaland

“As time goes by, you will get to know me a little more better” - Backstreet Boys

"Songs she sang to me, Songs she brang to me" - Neil Diamond

The list goes on.

In other words; if the shit fits, wear it.

[ntom]

The first thing I'd fix is "taking notes of"--should be "taking notes on."

Yeah... Or "Taking note of you..."

Either way, "Taking notes of..." just doesn't sit right.

But then again, when it comes to song lyrics (and poetry for that matter), grammar rules can fly right out of the window, to be replaced with artistic license.

EG:

"I can't get no satisfaction" - the Stones

"Thunderbolt and lightning, very very frightening me.... Galileo..." - Queen

"Ain't no sunshine when she's gone" - Bill Withers

“When you cheated girl, my heart bleeded girl” - Justin Timberlake

“Everything she do just turns me on” - the Police

“Can you handle me the way I are?” - Timbaland

“As time goes by, you will get to know me a little more better” - Backstreet Boys

"Songs she sang to me, Songs she brang to me" - Neil Diamond

The list goes on.

In other words; if the shit fits, wear it.

Lol, some of these kind of worked, some of them just made me laugh and think, "Really!?!"
Then again, it was mostly the more modern songs that made me say that and the ones I grew up with were the ones I thought acceptable, so I might be a bit biased....and a curmudgeon.

[vurt]

The first impression I got was that you (the lyricist) are stalking somebody.

wheres the problem with that?
sting made millions from stalking in song form.

[Hink]

The first thing I'd fix is "taking notes of"--should be "taking notes on."

OTOH depending on how it was sung it might sound like "taking notice" giving it that "excuse me while I kiss this guy wrapped up in a douche" thing

[Sendy]

"you waste your time by failing me"

makes me think of:

[morelia]

The first impression I got was that you (the lyricist) are stalking somebody.

wheres the problem with that?
sting made millions from stalking in song form.

I didn't think I implied there was a problem. Just to clarify, in my opinion there is no problem if this song is about stalking someone.

[fluffy_little_something]

Sorry for being direct, I think those lyrics suck They sound cheap and meaningless, regardless of the linguistic and idiomatic issues.

Never write lyrics in a language that is not your mother tongue.

That is also my main problem by the way, I have nobody to write meaningful lyrics for me But I won't even try to do it on my own, don't want to make a fool of myself...

[spirit]

"Taking note of" - this is very clinical, like you have made a discovery of a new pizza place and want to remember to come back next week. Or perhaps a child has been naughty and you say in a stern voice: "I have taken note of your attitude young man!"

"Taking notes on" - You suspect that there will be trouble in the future and want documentary evidence, so you take notes about it to read out later in court

How about something like: "You take no notice; but I notice you", or maybe that "This is my note you'll never read" - which leads on to some pretty obvious second lines about love & need...

[steffeeH]

EDIT: Ignore the notes and intensity-words, KVR completely screwed them up...

Thank you for your inputs, a lot of great views here!
I've realized it was probably a poor theme for the lyrics.
Not only that it sounds cheap, but it's very unpractical or how I should put it; very easy to be misunderstood.
So I created another version of the lyrics with a new theme and new lyrics.

The theme is about the problem with people who have a huge passion for something, but other people don't understand it and consider it as a waste of time and want the passionate ones to do something with their lives.
I would say that the strength of this new theme is that a lot of people hopefully may get moved by it since they maybe recognize themselves.

This is the lyrics and singingmelody of the leadsinger, you have the lyrics, below them you have the notes, and below that you have the intensity of the singing (except in the interlude, and 2nd verse, as it has the same intensity through each part).
No I can't explain what "normal" is supposed to sound like, you'll have to use your imagination for that "fals" stands for falsetto.

(Soundcloud link further down)

Verse 1 (1:07)
We are the ones who can't de-ny
E G E D B A D B
| normal |

We have on-ly one thing on our mind
E E G A B E B B B
| normal |fals| power |

But some can't stop to think of
E G E D B D E
| normal |

Hu-uh
E D
| Soft |

How we just waste our time
E A E B E E
| Power | extra pow |

We drown our own lives, that's our crime
E G A B E B C B
| power | extra pow |

They're ta-king
B D E
| normal |

Uh (vocalising)
E
|soft |

They're ta-king notes
E G E B
| power |

No-tes on us
B G E
| power |

Hu-u-a-a (vocalising)
E D E F#
| intense |

Ha (vocalising)
F#
| intense |


Chorus 1 (2:52)
Notes
B
| power |

Notes on us
B G E
| power | normal|


Interlude (3:22) (cocky and strict voice)
Why won't you, why won't you, why won't you un-der-stand
E E E E E E E F# E F# E G

Why won't you, why won't you, why won't you un-der-stand
E E E E E E G F# E G B G

Please give us, please give us, please give us one last chance
E E E E E E E F# E F# E G

Why can't you un-der-stand
G F# E G B G

No
G


Verse 2 (3:52) (normal voice)
Please
B

Give
B

Please give us one last chance
C B A B B B

Chance
B


Chorus 2 (5:08)
We are the ones who can't de-ny
E G E D B A D B
| normal |

We have on-ly one thing on our mind
E E G A B E B B B
| normal |fals| | power |

We are the ones who can't de-ny
E G E D B A D B
| normal |

They think we waste our pre-cious time
E G A B E B B B
| normal | power |

Here you have the track, the vocals start about 1 min in:
https://soundcloud.com/steve-hilo/notes ... -temporary
The singing melody is presented as a fake piano sound panned to the left, you won't miss it. I've tried to represent the pitch as correctly as possible. That short blips in the first verse are quick falsettos.

The track itself isn't fully completed yet, so I would guess it's a bit unbalanced etc. I just made some quick limiting on it as well so the finished product won't sound that squashed

I'm not sure, but I think I'll edit the 2nd chorus.

[fluffy_little_something]

I am not a native speaker, either. But here are a couple of linguistic things I would change because they sound odd to me:

on our mindS

stop to think is the opposite of stop thinking, no idea which one you mean

how we ARE just wastING our time seems more idiomatic as there is regret, i.e. a feeling involved

we drown our lives in what? there is something missing in my view, and again it should probably be the progressive tense

at the end again progressive tense, wasting our precious time

that's our crime sounds strange



In terms of logic:
we are the ones... as opposed to who?

I am not sure I get the point of the lyrics. Do people think you are wasting your time because you don't go separate ways or because you are not together? Depending on the answer the But may be logically wrong.

[steffeeH]

I'm not sure what you mean with that last thing. Sounds to me like you still have the old lyrical theme in mind about the girl and the boy, but as I said before I have a new theme, that has nothing to do with the girl/boy-thing anymore.

On the first lines I maybe put them a little wrong causing confusion, sorry!
Correcton: We are the ones who can't deny (that) we only have one thing on our mind.
Correction: But some can't stop to think of how we just waste our time.
(They think) we drown our own lives, that's our crime. (maybe I should change to "(They think) we drown our own lives, that it's a crime"?)

With the "stop to think"-thing, the others can't stop thinking that we waste our time. Not sure how I should fix that (if it needs to be fixed) without destroying the rythm in that section.

Shouldn't it be "wastE" and not "wastING"? When I think of wasting, I think of something that is happening for the moment, and waste as something that generally happens. That line isn't about "us" being regretful, but the others accusing "us".

You're right on several places in the lyrics, I'll correct some grammar mistakes later like Minds (not Mind) etc.

Thank you!