KVR Audio

KFW · Post by **KFW** » Thu Apr 24, 2014 5:18 pm

I found some old fake ads I did once for guitar/studio effects, and it occurred to me that they might not all be jokes at this point...

The Reality Modulator.
For the tone purist, this device has absolutely no effect on the guitar-cable-amp signal chain, regardless of any knob or bypass switch settings, so it will not ever suck tone (except if it is used to replace a bass viol bridge, but most 9v guitar effects are inadequate in this setting.). It achieves its effect by directly affecting the audience’s perception of your music, spraying a cloud of fine mist of aromatherapy or psychoactive substance into the front rows whenever you step on the pedal. For arena-sized effects, you may also be interested in the Fog Boggler.

The Overplaying Limiter
This device attaches inconspicuously anywhere along the cord of the overplaying musician. When activated from the remote footswitch, a silicon carbide blade closes against a tool steel block, neatly severing the cable and muting the musician from the mix. While designed for guitars, this flexible device also works at line and speaker levels, and may be used to mute individual speaker cabinets, entire keyboard submixes, or, for an unusual vocal effect, vocal monitors.

The Bathroom Break
A multichannel sampler with full automation, the Break monitors your playing, extracting consistent rhythm parts and solo excursions. It automatically beat-matches up to twenty minutes of samples, and mixes them into a passable semblance of an instrumental jam, while the musicians pause for sex, drugs, or other animal needs. Vocal tracks may be included, but results vary widely and are not guaranteed.

The Better Soloist
This device extracts melodic information from a monophonic part, and replaces anything contained in its cliché library with better parts. You can choose harmonic or melodic variations, and varying degrees of elaboration, complexity, and raw shredding power. Everything from swing jazz chord solos to Delta blues to New York skronk is easily accessible to the beginner.

The first one has a really dated sound, like a bad fuzz box, in spite of its transparency, although there was somewhat of a revival in the EDM scene. The second isn't usually used often enough to justify a footpedal effect.

The other two actually appear at least theoretically possible, if perhaps inadvertently amusing in practice.

Sendy · Post by **Sendy** » Thu Apr 24, 2014 5:41 pm

The nopass filter

This revolutionary new tool is recommended for every Mainroom House production on the mastering channel, and will improve the musical integrity of the signal practically infinitefold.

KFW · Post by **KFW** » Thu May 22, 2014 6:50 am

I've seen that happen - bandpass, lowpass, nopass, and the DJ had better come back in on the next beat. It's like a wrong note in jazz. You have milliseconds in which to save the situation.

There are also sports arenas and other extremely large venues whose sound is vastly improved by the judicious use of nopass filters.

If you don't have direct access to the signal chain, the Stereophonic Icepick Headphone is a simple, effective solution to unwanted noise. A single application blocks all noise up to gut-vibrating levels. It comes highly recommended by a number of retired pop music producers.

hibidy · Post by **hibidy** » Thu May 22, 2014 8:36 am

CableChannel · Post by **CableChannel** » Thu May 22, 2014 9:48 am

The Auto Sing

Together with Auto Tune, this is the perfect plugin chain to get perfect vocals without even inviting a vocalist.

The Bling Bling

Automatically gives your mix invisible mojo, it can't be heard, but it's there, and people will buy your tracks all over!

elassi · Post by **elassi** » Thu May 22, 2014 10:12 am

The Avantgarde Codec

To prevent from being played on telly, abused in commercials, being downloaded by dumb teens and serving as a carrier for capitalism in general, the Avantgarde Codec introduces a file format that absolutely no person, not even you, can play on any device. Using a smart algorithm that cleverly compiles your genious masterpiece in a different way each time, you can be 100% sure that no unworthy audience will ever listen to it.

foosnark · Post by **foosnark** » Thu May 22, 2014 1:58 pm

Auto-Detune

Using advanced humanizing algorithms, makes vocals much more natural and appealing. Also includes presets for converting ordinary bass guitar tracks into fretless, and extreme settings can even make a violin player sound like a viola player.

Side-Safeword Compressor

Upon receiving a signal that indicates sidechain compression is getting too excessive, it loosens things up a bit.

hibidy · Post by **hibidy** » Sat May 24, 2014 2:08 am

Unfortunately, that old sonic finger stuff is just not available any longer.

My offering is "HISS"

High Input Sound Sterilizer. It automatically and magically detects crap stuff and takes it out only leaving the perfect parts

Shabdahbriah · Post by **Shabdahbriah** » Sat May 24, 2014 2:27 am

NO! is a voice activated {via mic}, one-trick-pony, which via midi CC or keystroke assignment, *undoes* whatsoever you are wishing you hadn't just done, when you scream NO!

V0RT3X · Post by **V0RT3X** » Sat May 24, 2014 2:35 am

BigDropMaker! By BroSoft & DubSuper

Drag and drop the plugin onto your track and it will analyze the song and then re-arrange it so you have a siick drop in your song. Choose where you want the drop inserted, and the styles of preset drops that you hear on the most massive tracks today!! Go beyond presets and create your own drop! It includes a ton of FX that you can use and automate to make huge sounds.

$99 introductory offer! (50% off!!)

Requires Ilok2

ccDuckett · Post by **ccDuckett** » Sat May 24, 2014 2:37 am

Nothing beats Anechoic Room Simulator.

hibidy · Post by **hibidy** » Sat May 24, 2014 4:01 am

ccDuckett wrote:Nothing beats Anechoic Room Simulator.

haha, you laugh but I'll bet it's been done.

t3toooo · Post by **t3toooo** » Sat May 24, 2014 5:03 am

"TTKED" The thousand knobs easy device.

Started as joke effects, now I'm not sure