My only reason for being a composer

[MattMVS7]

My feelings of pleasure (all good feelings) are the only things that matter to me in my personal life and are the only things that define me and my life as truly good. Nothing else defines me or my life as truly good at all. Not even me living on for others in life and helping them out despite my absence of pleasure. I am going to explain more on this. But in the meantime, I will say something here which is that my sole reason for being a composer was because of my profound feelings of pleasure that I value so much. There was no other reason for me being a composer or even living for that matter. My pleasure is the only reason for me living. My pleasure to me is more important than the air I breathe. But now I have lost all my pleasure and there are never any brief moments of any given pleasure at all. It is called anhedonia and I think it is a negative symptom of schizophrenia. So I have given up being a composer since I no longer find any good reason to become a composer without my feelings of pleasure to derive from my compositions.

I am going to give an analogue here of my situation of valuing my pleasure as the only good thing in my life and me giving up being a composer because I have lost it. It would be no different than if Beethoven said:

"Hearing is all there is to life. Without it, then you, your compositions, and your life are all nothing more than dead silence and nothing truly good at all. My hearing is the only reason for me living since it is a very profound thing to me. It is more important than the air I breathe. I would end my life if I have somehow lost it. I can hear all the beauty of nature and I will soon be able to hear the majestic compositions that I am going to make. I can do amazing things with my hearing. Therefore, I am going to do just that. I am going to do something amazing with my hearing. I am now going to choose to become a composer and create these amazing compositions I have thought of.

I am going to give a message to the world as well here. I am going to say to the world that deafness is completely uneccessary and that you can create great compositions through your hearing and they can turn out just as good or even better than those composers who have composed through their hearing loss. Hearing is the only good thing in life and it is that much more important that we find cures for hearing loss since you, your life, and your compositions would all be nothing more than dead silence to you. It would be all be nothing truly good at all without your hearing. Therefore, we need to find cures for hearing loss since the only thing that makes you a great composer and artist would be your hearing since any work of art you create would be nothing truly good at all to you without your hearing since it would all be nothing more than dead silence. You can still see your works of art and such. But you being able to see them is nothing good at all since only hearing defines us and our lives as being truly good. All other things in life are all nothing more than dead silent images and such without our hearing."

Beethoven then begins to learn how to compose and is in the process of composing his music. But he then becomes deaf and completely gives up being a composer since his hearing was the only thing that was important to him in his life and was the only thing to him that made him and his life good and worth living and nothing else. He only finds good value in his hearing and he finds no good value in anything else in his life without his hearing at all. Not even his own personality and his own artistic genius is anything good at all to him without his hearing. Not even him composing for other people and having them have something amazing to hear is anything good at all in his life without his hearing. It would be good for the other people who are able to hear his compositions. But his own personal life would be inferior, worthless, and of no good value whatsoever to him without his hearing.

Other people then come up to Beethoven and try to encourage him. They say to him that there is more to life than hearing and that there are other good things in life to live for and that he can still find good value in being a composer even without his hearing. But he doesn't believe them at all. He has absolutely convinced himself that hearing is all there is to life and is the only thing of good value in life. It is a firm and strict personal value and belief he has and no one can ever change it. If anyone tries to tell him to accept his hearing loss, then that advice would be an utter insult and a mockery to Beethoven since he would never live to accept having lost the one and only thing of true good value to him and his life. Beethoven would then become enraged towards anyone who tells him to accept his hearing loss. Beethoven has strictly decided that if he can't fully regain his hearing, then he is going to end his life and he won't have it any other way. From there, Beethoven continues to find no good value whatsoever in anything in his life without his hearing since everything to him in his life is now nothing more than dead images of silence. His only reason for living now would be him living to try and fully recover his hearing and nothing else. In the event that his hearing does fully recover, he will go back to being a composer and will find full good value in his life and composing dream once again. But in the event that his hearing doesn't fully recover, then he will end his life right then and there and no one is going to change his mind otherwise.

Therefore, this situation with Beethoven is the exact same situation with me here. My feelings of pleasure are the only good profound things to me and my life. I have lost all of them due to anhedonia (absence of pleasure). My only reason for living and my only reason for being a composer was because of pleasure. I wanted to not only experience pleasure from music and the compositions I would have made, but I also wanted to tap into and channel my feelings of pleasure to create emotionally powerful compositions of any type whether they be dark, gothic, happy, etc. It would be my pleasure in dark, gothic, happy, etc. things that would create these types of compositions. But now that I have lost all my pleasure, then I have strictly decided that I would end my life if I can never fully recover my pleasure. Therefore, I am now living to do all I can to try and fully recover my pleasure. Only if my pleasure is fully recovered would I then go back to being a composer and find full good value in me, my life, and my composing dream once again.