KVR Audio

THE INTRANCER · Post by **THE INTRANCER** » Thu Apr 15, 2021 9:26 pm

For those who are not aware, the past three months have been the darkest and most mentally debilitating period of my life thus far. I am tortured by events of my past and think of suicide on a daily basis. As the nights get lighter and the days get a little warmer I have cycled over 40 miles this week each day to try and mentally get through each day not counting the miles over the past two months at lesser distance. What hasn't changed though, is repulsive audial reaction to playing synths like Dune 3 or Hive for example. I can only describe it as like nails down a blackboard. I know music is the least of my problems but it is by the nature of what I've been going through, a significant thing. It took some time before I could get some help with my mental health and the police turning up on your door step at 4am to try and help you and take you in to A&E, is really a strange thing.. but something that needed to happen to push things along... This is a slow process, I don't know how my state of mind will be as it has been in the next winter period. In my younger years I suppressed things, hid things and did things I shouldn't have during periods of stress that lasted years. Now in my mid-forties, it's like hitting a bridge, only not a musical one but by that of life's pressures and that of a hanging rope which comes into my thoughts when I see one.

Passing Bye · Post by **Passing Bye** » Thu Apr 15, 2021 9:30 pm

GaryG · Post by **GaryG** » Thu Apr 15, 2021 9:48 pm

Passing Bye · Post by **Passing Bye** » Thu Apr 15, 2021 9:49 pm

https://youtu.be/ptHdz-z3ess

melomood · Post by **melomood** » Thu Apr 15, 2021 9:54 pm

I understand the weirdness of having police show up (along with a few counselors) and went through a period of daily suicidal thoughts,also in my mid forties.Not so extreme that I hated sounds. I just lost all interest in music for awhile. It's not the end. My situation,I believe, was partly brought on by medication I was being prescribed,so watch out for that & do the reading.
With the right help,this too shall pass. You can find some happiness again after the bridge is crossed.
Take care of yourself

Scotty · Post by **Scotty** » Thu Apr 15, 2021 10:13 pm

I almost ending things. I can only say it would have been a terrible and final mistake. Things got better with help. Some of it was medical (undiagnosed at the time), some of it was work related and some of it was me and a habit of self-imposed emotional isolation. I am glad you are feeling some hope. Reach out and share the load. Good people will help and you'll soon experience some joy, some experience, or pass some wisdom to someone who badly needs it and greatly appreciates your existence. I felt your post in the pit of my stomach. I hope you can feel my sincerity in these words. Yours in music brother. Do reach out and do the work necessary to get well. Its well worth it. - Scotty

jens · Post by **jens** » Thu Apr 15, 2021 10:27 pm

I'm not a very depressive kind of person, but there are things that kind of tend to put me in some sort of depressive state, due to their extreme... absurd... banality? It's difficult for me to describe it, but the best example would perhaps be computer-games - I can usually play them only for about half an hour or so (not that I usually do that anyway, but I try every couple of years or so) before something happens to me what I use to call "seeing the pixels" (and it doesn't really depend on how good the graphics are) - it's just too banally synthetic for me then, as I can't really see it anymore for what it seeks to stand for but rather see it for what it actually physically is - not much of anything at all - some kind of stale illusion without any real merit or consequence.

Perhaps what you experience with software-synths is something similar somehow?

Hink · Post by **Hink** » Thu Apr 15, 2021 10:36 pm

THE INTRANCER wrote: ↑Thu Apr 15, 2021 9:26 pm For those who are not aware, the past three months have been the darkest and most mentally debilitating period of my life thus far. I am tortured by events of my past and think of suicide on a daily basis. As the nights get lighter and the days get a little warmer I have cycled over 40 miles this week each day to try and mentally get through each day not counting the miles over the past two months at lesser distance. What hasn't changed though, is repulsive audial reaction to playing synths like Dune 3 or Hive for example. I can only describe it as like nails down a blackboard. I know music is the least of my problems but it is by the nature of what I've been going through, a significant thing. It took some time before I could get some help with my mental health and the police turning up on your door step at 4am to try and help you and take you in to A&E, is really a strange thing.. but something that needed to happen to push things along... This is a slow process, I don't know how my state of mind will be as it has been in the next winter period. In my younger years I suppressed things, hid things and did things I shouldn't have during periods of stress that lasted years. Now in my mid-forties, it's like hitting a bridge, only not a musical one but by that of life's pressures and that of a hanging rope which comes into my thoughts when I see one.

hi yah Scott, there you are

...hey I was gonna ask you a question when we last talked, do you play chess? Always looking for friends to play chess by email (much faster than by snail mail and fun)...anyhow, really good to see you Scott, lets talk again this weekend (I work Friday Night and saturday morning though)...

JerGoertz · Post by **JerGoertz** » Thu Apr 15, 2021 10:47 pm

I had a very dark period in my life some 16 years ago, and made it out the other side healthy and happy. PM me if you want my advice, or just to talk about what's troubling you. Sending positive vibes your way, you can do this.

cantaloupe · Post by **cantaloupe** » Thu Apr 15, 2021 11:00 pm

When i have been in dark places, i got a lot out of taking a step back from synthetic sound completely. Focusing on and enjoying the simple timbres of acoustic instruments feels very "healing" for lack of a better word. Especially how they all respond to physical touch.

Synths can be fun but can also quite often be mechanical, rigid, harsh, abrasive. Often when fatigued or depressed, i find the "full" spectrum of synth exhausting and annoying, no matter the programming. So i can relate to what you are saying completely. Like it pierces my ears.

There is a lot of beautiful gentle sounds to be explored that is not synthetic, even for those that does not know or want to play an instrument. Then after a while, synths will be interesting again.

Anyhow, take care. I'm rooting for you and hope you will feel better soon. You can do this.

THE INTRANCER · Post by **THE INTRANCER** » Thu Apr 15, 2021 11:06 pm

Hink wrote: ↑Thu Apr 15, 2021 10:36 pm hi yah Scott, there you are ...hey I was gonna ask you a question when we last talked, do you play chess? Always looking for friends to play chess by email (much faster than by snail mail and fun)...anyhow, really good to see you Scott, lets talk again this weekend (I work Friday Night and saturday morning though)...

Hi Hink, yeah I've played chess almost my whole life and recently I stated playing on https://www.chess.com/

For me and as it's logic based and that of which I played at chess club during the last year of high school, it's one of things that brings out sad emotions. It wasn't long after I had left high school, that life started to go down hill. Associations to things are much more elevated as I'm living in the 1990's pretty much every day now. That's my nightmare period...all self-analysising to the n-th day. But I do play as it distracts me from my anxiety when I feel it growing within. With so much cycling, 16 miles today, my body and mind is more at ease as I type. I also had a chat with my psychologist at the hospital today.

cnt · Post by **cnt** » Thu Apr 15, 2021 11:30 pm

Lost a close family member due severe depression... depression hits me too in periods (mostly autumn/winter). Since I was a teenager. In my 40s now...
I can never do anything while depressed, not go outside, no music/sound.. Its a really good thing to be outdoors and bicycle like you mention.. that really helps, atleast for the moment. But if it goes on for months, help is needed. I can really feel my brain rewiring when I skip my antidep, its like i go totally numb and i cant think any positive thoughts... its becomes a vicious circle.
For me personally SSRI helps, it lets me break the circle. Dont know your situation etc, just be careful and do not selfmedicate! .. talk family or a friend (or go directly to a KBT professional, if youre like me and dont want to involve your dark "negativity" too much on f&f).

ghettosynth · Post by **ghettosynth** » Thu Apr 15, 2021 11:37 pm

Depression does crazy things to the mind man, this too shall pass..

Bodhisan · Post by **Bodhisan** » Fri Apr 16, 2021 12:53 am

https://www.quora.com/During-depression ... e-the-most

An interesting thread.

lpr · Post by **lpr** » Fri Apr 16, 2021 1:04 am

Hey man been feeling similar. You know what always helps me? Reading about what's causing my feelings? Research strategies and ways to handle this. I recently read The Bhagavad Gita and Qu'ran. Check those out while you're at it. Poetry and discovering good music also helps me as well. Good luck and stay up!

I Hate The Sound Of Synths