I Hate The Sound Of Synths

[EnochLight]

Ok. I tried. Good luck!

[pekbro]

Get help, I attended more than my share of suicides as a first responder. The number of people that can be affected by those incidents is staggering. While i can't say for sure, every one of them that was in progress at the time, definitely exhibited indications of remorse (if they were able to) before they passed. Such a sad turn of events, always.

[THE INTRANCER]

medications have side effects

Undoubtedly, which which is why I was very careful to word the things I said they way they are worded. Getting off some meds has withdrawls not unlike illegal drugs, but they did help me put up with a very bad situation for a time until I was able to better get on my feet. I haven't read everything you've posted, but are you in a bad spot right now? Financially? Love life? etc? That's what needs fixed if so. If the problem is existential, I have books I can suggest that helped me out. The truth is, we ARE just a bunch of advanced primates jumping around a rock, but it doesn't mean we can't do good and have fun, relative to ourselves and those around us.

There is a multitude of things, so things are complex as well as distressing, but I don't plan on going in to them here...

[arkmabat]

Intrancer, then work on them the best you can. Covid has a lot of people uptight on top of everything else already, and really I think a good goal for right now is just to make it through. It doesn't have to be fancy; it doesn't have to be perfect. Focus on the good things and take care of yourself. Eat right, and if you're giving up cycling, at least go on walks or buy a punching bag or something. If there's one thing I can say with certainty, it's that the only constant is change, and I hope you can remember that when times are the hardest. They cannot last forever, and they probably will get worse before they get better, but things are constantly changing. Let that be a hope, if you have nothing else to cling to.

[Hink]

For those suggesting I seek help, I'll mention that I have been for the past months. Fifteen to twenty hours talking to Samaritans as well as various other freephone helplines (mentally exhausting) Spoken to three doctors, two psychiatrists (hospital visits), four police officers, phone support (where someone calls you to offer emotional support and advice for a period of 14 days).

I've no intention of taking any medication for what I'm going through, not only because it's a choice I have made but because I have a friend who has been through all that shit, and it made him worse. His brother committed suicide when he was 12, he was on the streets, addicted to heroin and been through all that dark stuff with doctors who suggested to him to take this and that meds for a few months and only to try something else.

Medication is an option, it's not a requirement to be forced upon someone and to have an older brother who has been on medications for practically his whole life due to schizophrenia, an illness (it's not a disease) just as anxiety and depression isn't, it's not a place I want to go... medications have side effects and pretty unpleasant one's, including increasing the risk of suicide. My friend attempted two different methods which I won't go into here.

For me today, I have not been experiencing a long period of stress induced migraines which has made my brain hurt and the flashbacks have diminished also as well although still there. This is really the first day in a while where my thoughts have calmed down... but feeling low is the norm nowadays and one's mood can fluctuate at any time. Dark thoughts do flow past, and it's more about how much attention I give them, so it's a balancing act.

Depression is something I've lived with for pretty much my whole life to some degree... and I have my limit though. Life has been very very dark but nights are getting lighter.

please keep in mind Scott it's a forum and there are a lot of posts, we can see that you said you are seeing someone but with people on phones and how we check these things we may miss some things...but I'm sure you know people are only saying this because they care. You obviously have to find the path that works the best for you and all I can say is there are plenty of us here and elsewhere willing walk beside you...perhaps I can convince you to see that as a positive thing?

[THE INTRANCER]

Intrancer, then work on them the best you can. Covid has a lot of people uptight on top of everything else already, and really I think a good goal for right now is just to make it through. It doesn't have to be fancy; it doesn't have to be perfect. Focus on the good things and take care of yourself. Eat right, and if you're giving up cycling, at least go on walks or buy a punching bag or something. If there's one thing I can say with certainty, it's that the only constant is change, and I hope you can remember that when times are the hardest. They cannot last forever, and they probably will get worse before they get better, but things are constantly changing. Let that be a hope, if you have nothing else to cling to.

Well I'm not giving up on cycling, more like giving my body a rest for a few days as I've cycled pretty much every day for the past few months, although never as intensely in my life since I was like 15. I can feel the difference in my calf muscles when I stand now which is a strange feeling to have once again after so many years. I lost half a stone in two weeks during January, as I barely ate anything, so it was a tough period and I was virtually bed bound. Emotionally and physically, I was in a worse way and with being winter, a freezing house made things so much harder on top of the things I have to deal with (radiators didn't work well).

Since then, I have eaten more and more regularly, and with that a complete change in diet. Covid19, but more so the lockdown didn't help things, it turned the screw tighter, and created delays in getting appointments I needed. The past four and a half months practically 24/7 my mind has been replaying a tape of events from my younger years when I had left high school till my mid 20's. What happened during that time was really painfully difficult, and I'm reliving the consequences in which I could have avoided the events that occurred if only I had reacted differently in a time of a depression I didn't know I was under with caring with a family member that was terminally ill for years, whilst casting shadow over everything I was having issue's with, in even speaking about.

By mid 20's, I was already in the mindset of suicide... my health had suffered, work life was extremely demanding during that period which made things worse. For the past 17 years, I've tried to keep healthy and mentally stable, but everything has come back to haunt me now. It's been extraordinary hard for my mind to process so much. I can talk incessantly fast and non-stop for a whole hour about my life's problems as if it was an Olympic endurance sport.

But I'll stop here...

[arkmabat]

Well I'm not giving up on cycling,

Oh, okay. That's a good thing. If we don't use it-- we lose it, as they say.

By mid 20's, I was already in the mindset of suicide... my health had suffered, work life was extremely demanding during that period which made things worse.

Unpopular opinion: men in their twenties are supposed to feel this way, unless they're like... getting laid every night. We can't get into deep discussion here, but study the life of a male octopus or bee. It's pretty disheartening at first. Like I said, things get worse before they get better. Men in their twenties are at their most fertile point, and even more-so for women. Nature is willing to drive us hard to make more humans during this time period.

For the past 17 years, I've tried to keep healthy and mentally stable, but everything has come back to haunt me now. It's been extraordinary hard for my mind to process so much. I can talk incessantly fast and non-stop for a whole hour about my life's problems as if it was an Olympic endurance sport.

This is a harder part to address. I'm assuming we're both men, and I only bring that up because unlike women, our testosterone fades with age and our youthful energy and risk-taking start to wane. There are now generations ready to procreate who are younger and healthier than us. This does not make us useless, but traits such as wisdom and care become more prominent. It's a shift. The older I get, the more I can appreciate a well-written novel or a quiet tabletop wargame. World-building is a big part of my life. I have friends still, but it's not like back in high-school. I don't toilet-paper homes or install subwoofers anymore. And I stopped chasing women. The moment I was okay with stopping that chase, a great deal of stress immediately disappeared. This is not the course for everyone, but dating put me through a ringer that was far too much than I was ready for or ever even wanted. Thanks to nature, there's always competition in the air, it will never fully go away (just as we need the night to have day) but the way we approach that can alter the way we feel about ourselves. Even composing music, at some level, is really a competition to peacock-signal for women, but it also has tribal roots and bringing people together. There's a lot of pain in this world. I don't have all the answers but I hope what I'm saying makes sense. I met a guy once who said he lived in the forest. He was really out-to-lunch but the guy was happy and determined, yet had nothing to even do and nowhere to go-- sort of a homeless Ferris Bueller. That made an impression on me, and when I get too stressed and paranoid about perfection, I remember the Ferris-forest guy and how he'd just smile and look forward with this odd sense of hope. Where it stemmed from? I have no idea. But it was there. And I let myself ease into the mindset when it seems like everything is falling apart.

[THE INTRANCER]

Last night I updated my music video wall as some became restricted and thus not playable. I've added some new videos to replace them across the MFV pages. It was something to do, as mundane as it felt, to keep my mind busy.

https://intrancersonic-ds.blogspot.com/ ... tml#mfvg-5

[100F]

Meditation has done wonders for me in the last 5 years.
Lost jobs, got divorced, and went through several other big changes in my life.

Meditation has helped me mantain sanity by obtaining a different perspective of things.

Look up on zen meditation. I hope it helps you.

Pm if you want to talk to someone sometime.

[vurt]

Meditation has done wonders for me in the last 5 years.
Lost jobs, got divorced, and went through several other big changes in my life.

Meditation has helped me mantain sanity by obtaining a different perspective of things.

Look up on zen meditation. I hope it helps you.

Pm if you want to talk to someone sometime.

i too have found some peace at times using meditation

[THE INTRANCER]

During 1993..., I used to listen to Enigma - Sadness album at home after school and at friends, just as a way to relax. It's actually available to hear in full on the MFV-G-2 button.

[fedexnman]

Do you have music streaming service ? They have alot of cool playlist channels on Spotify that helps me relax . Chill hop , Trip hop , Downtempo , lo fi hip hop . All kinds of stuff . Helps me out alot .

[THE INTRANCER]

Do you have music streaming service ? They have alot of cool playlist channels on Spotify that helps me relax . Chill hop , Trip hop , Downtempo , lo fi hip hop . All kinds of stuff . Helps me out alot .

No, I generally don't listen to much music these days, but in the past I used the Clementine player for listening to chillout and trance music whilst playing Battlefield 3 which I uninstalled back in Oct 2019. Rarely listen to music nowadays, other than stuff on my website which I can listen to vie my TV. Got tired of adverts in the streaming services and I ain't paying to not hear them. I can't even remember the last time I played a music CD, all of which are up in the loft somewhere. Music used to be physical, records, tapes, CD's, Minidiscs... now it's all virtual, devoid of memory substance one can look back on and pick up.

Back on the bike on Sunday, did a 4 mile trek through the forest and long stretch of beach on which was a bright sunny day, 13 C, then sat in the garden listening to the sound of nature in the real form.

[mcnoone]

I always had those thoughts and difficult times throughout my life. Long lasting issues regarding health and economic troubles, can create a lot of stress.
I used to do bicycle racing and was involved with the US cycling federation in my teens and 20's. It definitely helped me mentally. I believe the sounds of synths and creating them, helps me in a similar way. So that part of the op I can't relate to.

[THE INTRANCER]

Yesterday two police officers arrived at my doorstep to check on how I was, once again. I've always tried to avoid them the best I can but they just seem to turn up at my door trying to help anyway they can now....preventing potential suicide. That's eight in the past 3 months... My online FB friends worry by what I write... I'm very open..even to the police. I wish I was as open about things when I was younger in the 1990's, but the burden of being seen as weak in your masculinity and to hide your vulnerability to others in fear in what they might say, was a very apparent thing you carried around within yourself all the time. Going through depression has profound consequences on changing your routines and the value you place on them in what they mean to you. When you live day by day with a big weight on your shoulders, the environment you live in changes your behaviour subconsciously, thus changing routines can be hugely difficult. I didn't really learn this till years later... but we continue to go through the pain because we have no choice.

The past four months and pretty much every day, I've wanted to cry, and occasionally I have. Being vulnerable is a strength, it's how your body protects itself emotionally, so you make the right choices for your own wellbeing and that means opening up. I only wish I could have done and seen the importance in doing that.

You may notice a profound difference in how I respond, react to things on here. I believe my brain has physically changed and thus who I am. In fact I'm at a point in my life where I don't know who I am any more.. or that of my reason for living. Don't respond to that, I'm not looking for a reaction to how my brain is functioning.