It's NAMM Time! Don't Even Think of Going Without the Offici

[Mike Greene]

Are you coming to NAMM? Did that friend of your wife's sister who has a drum stick company finally give in to your constant begging for a NAMM pass? Well, amigo, this is your week!

But maybe this is your first time. And you're not sure what to see. Or what to bring. Or where to stay. It can be so scray! Well, don't you worry, buckaroo. Your good buddy, Mike Greene, is gonna help you out with all that! (Except for the "where to stay" part. I mean, I want to be a nice guy and all, but . . . this room is expensive!)

Water, water, everywhere . . . and only two bucks a bottle. Do yourself a favor and bring your own water. And if you're cheap like me, you can keep refilling it at the drinking fountains. Mmmmmm, Anaheim tap water! That hits the spot!

Wait, I have a better idea . . . you can come by the Realitone booth (Hall A - booth 6626) and I'll give you a free bottle of Arrowhead. You don't even have to pretend to be interested in what I'm showing. Just come by and say, "Hey Mike! Where's my water?" You know, 'cause I'm cool like dat. Oh, and be sure to snag a brownie, too. My wife makes them.

Hey buddy, my eyes are up here! - Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be a woman? Well, NAMM's your chance to experience one of the things the ladies must surely love most of all: dudes staring at their breasts. You see, everybody at NAMM wears their NAMM badge hanging from around their neck. So when you're at the Paul Reed Smith booth and the guy working there wants to know whether you're somebody he should actually care about, or if you're just some bozo looking a purty geetars, he looks down at your NAMM badge to see your name and what company you're with. Everywhere you go, people are looking down at your chest.

Sometimes it really does feel like these people are checking out my cleavage. Maybe if I didn't dress so provocatively . . .

Anyway, this can actually present certain opportunities. Let's suppose some young lady comes to your booth and she happens to have a really nice . . . uhhhh . . . NAMM badge. Naturally, being the civilized type, you resist any temptation to look down at her badge. Yep, total self control. You carry on in normal conversation with her as if she were a guy. Minus the fart jokes, of course.

Then . . . you make up some story about some special sale or something, and how you'd like to send her information. All you need is her name . . . "Oh, I'll just look right here on your badge . . . wait, I forgot my glasses, so I need to get closer. Yes, just a little closer to your badge. Almost got it . . . "

I don't recommend really doing that, by the way. Women might have good senses of humor. But their boyfriends don't.

The honors keep coming! - Speaking of women, "Ladies Guide to Los Angeles" magazine has released their annual "Where to Find the Hot Guys" list. It was no surprise, of course, that my Realitone NAMM Booth made the list yet again. What can I say, these dashing good looks are undeniable. Although they can be a curse, too. You know, like when the checker at the grocery store goes really slow, just so she can keep you there longer.

Anyway, I suppose I should be excited about making the list. But . . . they got me at number 2. Are they serious? I came in second??? Screw you, George Clooney!

Did someone mention the Realitone booth? - Far be it from me to self-promote, but since I think I heard it already mentioned somewhere around here . . . yes, I will again be showing at NAMM! We're in Hall A - Booth 6626, across from Ilio. You'll have to fight your way through the throngs of my adoring lady fans, of course, but once you get to the front, you'll see what I've been working on for the last year. I'm seriously excited about this one and it's my most ambitious product yet. Seriously, it's what's kept "Realivox - The Men" on hold.

I don't want to say yet what it is. You know, 'cause it's top secret and all that. Oh, all right, I'll give you a hint. How about if I tell you the name? It's called "Blue." Oh, I've said too much already!

I'm sharing the booth this year with Embertone, Strezov Sampling, and Chris Hein. My Realitone time slots are 12:00 and 4:00 each day. I'll be showing "Blue" at the front of the booth for an hour at each of those times, then I'll stay at the booth for another hour after that, where I can do private demos or chat. Please do come by. You know, for your free water.

Profiling. It's not just for the police! - No, not racial profiling. I'm talking about "This guy's never gonna buy my stuff" profiling. You see, when you're showing at NAMM, doing these same demos over and over again can really wear you out. And it's especially annoying to go through a whole demonstration and then, instead of hearing a question like, "Do I need full Kontakt, or does this include the Player," you hear a question like, "Soooo . . . I need a computer for this?" (That's no exaggeration. I've heard that exact question at least a dozen times.)

After a while, you get good at recognizing which guys you want to talk to and which guys you don't. Composers have a certain look. Producers have a certain look. Magazine writers have a certain look. And . . . guys-who-are-at-NAMM-to-get-as-much-free-stuff-and-enter-as-many-free-drawings-as-they-can have a certain look. Trust me, when you see these guys coming, you start chanting in your head, "Please keep walking. Please keep walking. Please keep walking . . . "

Unless they have a girlfriend with as nice NAMM badge, of course.

Bring your own bulbs. - By far the cheapest hotel close to the Convention Center is the Motel 6. Usually I stay at the Jolly Roger, or this year I'm staying at the Candy Cane Inn. (Yes, those are the real names, and believe it or not, they're pretty pricey. Double what the Motel 6 costs. This is what happens when a Convention Center is across the street from DisneyLand.) But I've stayed at the Motel 6 a couple times and it's not bad. Except . . . they did a remodel a few years ago. I guess it's kinda nice, in an Ikea sort of way. Fake hardwood floors, platform bed bolted to the wall, that sort of thing. My wife would hate it, but she ain't here, so Motel 6 would be fine with me.

Except . . . in an effort to be energy efficient, they went with florescent bulbs. Now, I'm as green as the next guy. (Get it? "Greene?" Ha!) But they must have found the dimmest bulbs in existence, because the room was seriously depressing. Florescent lighting is bad enough, but dim florescent lighting? The whole room felt darkly depressing. I'm serious, it was messing with my head. So I went and bought some new bulbs. For ten bucks I had the brightest room in the hotel. Plus I deducted the bulbs on my taxes. Not under "Business Expense," mind you, but instead under "Medical Expense." Because I figured it was suicide prevention.

Hey Mike! Where am I supposed to eat? - The Convention Center has all sorts of places to eat. Do you like shriveled hot dogs that were cooked an hour ago? With that heat lamp goodness baked right in? Mmm-mmm-yummy! And only four bucks! Best of all, you get to stand while you eat it, because seating at NAMM is at a minimum.

But . . . what if you don't want to pay five bucks for stale nachos? And what if you're one of those crazy people who likes to sit down when they eat lunch? Well, lucky for you, you're reading this handy NAMM guide, so I'm going to tell you what I, Mike Greene, a 20 year NAMM veteran does.

I leave the Convention center for a short 5 minute walk to the corner of Harbor and Katella where there are a number of places that are actually pretty good. ("Good" by guy standards, not wife standards.) My favorite is a pizza place cleverly called "Pizza." (Those guys are even worse at naming stuff than I am!) They have a lunch special that includes a salad. You don't have to actually eat the salad, of course, but you can tell your wife you did.

Wait, did I just say "walk?" That's crazy talk! - Every year I recommend taking a bike to NAMM, but nobody ever listens to me. Granted. most of the stuff I write here is nonsense. But bringing a bike? Seriously, you'll thank me. You still drive here, of course, but when you get close, you can skip the parking lot traffic and park about a half mile away in the residential neighborhoods. For free! Then hop on your bike and roll right up to whichever NAMM entrance tickles your fancy. (Like the Hall A entrance, where there's some company . . . hmmmm, what was their name? Ah yes, Realitone!) And then when it's lunch time, hop back on your bike over to "Pizza" in less than a minute. Be sure to wave and laugh at all the losers on foot.

Plus, you can leave all your junk with your bike! Just run your lock cable through the handles of your bag. Before I had a booth, I did that all the time, and nothing ever got stolen. That way you don't have to schlep all that stuff with you the whole day.

Golly Mike, I don't think you mentioned where your booth is! - I didn't? I could swear I did, but that was paragraphs ago, so since you asked, the Realitone booth is in Hall A - Booth 6626. I'm showing at 12:00 and 4:00. Stop by and say hi.

[ew]

Water and brownies?

And, your point about where to eat's well taken. Avoid the food court over in the Marriot at all costs. Some of the prices aren't horrible, but the lines definitely are.

ew

[hueynym]

Did your wife make those brownies in Colorado? It sure sounds like it from your post... Not that I wouldn't mind a dozen or two - un/fortunately (depending on how you see your water) - I won't be in attendance. Have fun with the NAMM Badge Staring Contest! And thanks for the tips!